I know what you’re thinking – “Ron, it’s easy for you to say. You’re a talented writer with such an amazing gift for the written word.” No? You weren’t thinking anything like that? Well, this is awkward.

Anyway, there are two things that I’ve noticed about children’s books on the market. They’re not very long and, for the most part, they’re not very good. If your child enjoys listening to you read these off-the-shelf stories (you are reading to your child, right?) then think how much more they will love to hear you read your own story, with a main character who just so happens to be the same age and have the same name as your son or daughter.

A typical children’s picture book is only about 800 words. That’s only a little more than double the size of this short article. Every one of us has a story inside. It won’t take you very long to pour it out on paper if you just think about what your child enjoys and let the story flow.

Even if it’s awful, your child will love it. And want to expand on it. The first story is yours, but the sequel will be a collaboration. Writing a short story for your child will doubly be a bonding experience. First, your child will feel special and cherished because you made a story just for him or her. Next, you and your child will have a wonderful time working together on the next chapter.

As soon as I finished reading LexLightning to my son, Lex, he was abuzz with ideas for a follow up story. He invented new heroes, new adventures, and a new villain, The Guard of the Very Black Scary Night, who “has an axe that he can throw like a boomerang so it comes back to him but even if it doesn’t it doesn’t matter because he has a million of them.” Now that’s a villain. And that’s a memory that will last a lifetime.

Some days I question that wisdom. It’s hard work. It sucks up all my free time. There are days when I wonder if it’s worth it. Would it be better to let the boys stand on their own with an impartial coach (or more realistically, a coach who is partial to his son and not mine)?

Then a day like last Saturday comes along and I know I’m doing the right thing. Saturday both my five year-old and my ten year-old found themselves in exactly the same position. Playing quarterback, near the goal line, and Coach Dad called a play that just wasn’t going to get the job done. In the case of the older boy, the defense read the play and had the receiver blanketed. In the case of the younger, the intended receiver lost interest and wandered off toward his mommy (oh, the joys of coaching the 4-6 year old set).

In both cases, my son saw a better option, took it, and threw a touchdown pass (the first ever for the five-year-old). There is a point I’m going for besides just using this column as a platform to brag on my boys. There is something representative of our whole parenting journey in the way they took everything that I’ve taught them and stepped out on their own to make their own decisions. We can prepare them for the decisions that they will face in life. We can teach them right from wrong and give them the guidelines and parameters they will need. But at some point we need to step out of the huddle and let them be their own person.

There is a right way and a wrong way to accept a compliment, especially when the subject of the praise is within earshot. Graciousness is always appropriate, particularly if the compliment-er is the parent of another child engaged in the same activity. “Yep, my boy sure whupped up on your boy,” is not the gracious answer, even when it’s true.

That doesn’t mean we should throw an insincere compliment back. If you daughter sang a show-stopping solo and the compliment-er’s daughter was in the back row of the chorus, responding with a “Oh, little Susie was great, too” will probably come off as insincere at best and patronizing at worst. A better tactic would be to accept the compliment with sincere thanks and offer back some praise for the program overall.

The biggest compliment-related mistake I’ve seen in my years working with youth is the compliment deflection/redirect. It typically involves children from rough upbringings with fragile self-image and it goes something like this:

Youth Worker: “Mrs. Smith, Little Johnny sure was a big help tonight. He cleaned up the game area without even being asked.”
Mrs. Smith: “Really? I wish he was half as helpful at home. You should see the mess in his room!”

No one (I hope) would ever intentionally snatch a compliment away from a child, but it happens more than you might think. As parents, we need to be alert to never let a moment of aggravation or frustration overwhelm our good sense.

One final note on compliments: if your child is not present for the compliment be sure to pass it on, preferably in front of your spouse or grandma and grandpa – anyone who will ooh and ahh to amplify the joy your child receives.

The way Ms. Chua described parenting her children was shocking to me.  At no point should a child be deprived of bathroom use or meals in order to perfect a skill.  Sure, take away a snack because your child misbehaves, but deny basic bodily needs because you can’t master a piano piece?  Even maximum security prisoners aren’t treated that poorly.

The opposite sort of parenting, to which Ms. Chua refers, also is shocking to me.  With four children, I am often in the company of other parents.  I find it amazing the things that parents do for their children to protect them from the typical parts of growing up.  Some examples: parents of high school students typing papers for their children, elementary school parents asking to have their child’s class placement changed to be with friends.  And it’s not only the parents.  Attend a sporting event, and you will see numerous trophies given.  Recently, at a competitive sporting event, I saw medals handed out through the 18th place winner.  18th place, really?

So, what is a parent to do?  Take the strict, accept no failure style of Ms. Chua, or take the worry about their self-esteem, pander to them style of modern America?  I say neither.  Instead I would encourage you to find the middle.  As a former elementary teacher and as a mom, I have seen this style of parenting work.

How do you do this?  You set reasonable expectations for your children, and you encourage them to reach them.  You encourage via love and kind words when possible and through logical consequences when needed.  You let your child grow up, adding responsibility with age, letting them learn (even getting a few skinned knees), and letting them know you love them.

Dr. Williams described the connection as being similar to the game of tag.

“We all remember the times in our early lives when we played the game of tag.  We can recall what it was like when someone touched us to make us ‘it’, and how we almost injured ourselves trying to touch another person so that he or she could be ‘it’ and we could take a break from running to breathe a little easier.”

Speaking with Dr. Williams, he explained, “We have to tag people, especially young people, and let them know they matter, then let them tag someone else.  We don’t tag kids enough. They begin their quest for independence, and we back off.”  Rather than allowing our children to be independent, we need to teach them to be inter-dependent.  While teenagers are able to do much  more on their own than younger children, there still is a need for parents, family, friends, and community.

‘The designation of being ‘it’ is even more crucial today in our fight to counter some of society’s greatest tragedies affecting the human spirit.  If we are to combat bullying, suicide, discrimination, and the like, we must be prepared to relaunch that old game of tag and let people know that they can become ‘it’ once again.  We must let them know that they matter and are valuable, as well as that life is so enriched by their presence and, more importantly, their participation.  A major contribution to the tragedies of bullying, suicide, and discrimination is that so many of the victims and perpetrators suffer from poor self-esteem because too few people let them know that they are valued and appreciated.

There are so many simple ways that parents and other adults can make teenagers feel valued:

• a note in a bookbag
• a text message
• a note on the teen’s Facebook page

Parents don’t need to be the only adults supporting teens.  Dr. Williams noted that there are many people who could be part of your child’s life, “When they were born everyone rushed to the hospital.  When they’re little they don’t need anyone at the hospital.  People disappear as children grow.”  Remind those aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends that your teen would love to have them involved.  Something as simple as attending a teen’s sporting event, sending a text message, or going to dinner together can mean a lot to a teenager.

As your child approaches the teen years, remember that while she needs to spread her wings, she also needs to know that there is love and support in the nest.

Dr. Nathaniel Williams is a father of seven, and one of those children is autistic. He juggles being an adjunct professor, author, CEO, motivational speaker, talk show host, father and husband. He himself is a product of the NY foster care system and now has started his own foster care agency and helps others realize their potential as well.

In all the efforts to build up self-esteem, this generation of children is being deprived of a very necessary skill – the ability to handle defeat. Nobody wins them all. A good major league baseball team will lose sixty or more games a year. A really historically great one will still lose forty games a year.

My son’s flag football team lost their final game on Saturday, a close contest against an undefeated team. My heart was broken at the reaction of some of the players: 10, 11, 12-year-old boys breaking down in uncontrollable crying on the field because they never learned how to lose.

I’m not advocating cut-throat competition starting in kindergarten, but it is time for kids to learn how to lose. They are going to face it soon enough. As soon as they hit a competitive level in sports, academics, performance, music – whatever it may be – they’re going to have to learn how to lose gracefully. Better for them to learn now while the stakes are still low than when there are big consequences on the line.

I am wholeheartedly opposed to pushing a winning-is-everything outlook on our children. That is at least as bad as the current winning-is-nothing approach in which we pretend that losing doesn’t exist. There must be a happy medium – where we teach our children that we play to win, but that playing by the rules and giving your best effort is more important.

For those new to the site, or perhaps those who just forgot about my column (it has been six months now), Max was slated to be tested for the Gifted program (called ALPHA – it’s an acronym, but I don’t know what it stands for) at his school. That was in March. About three months later, over the summer, the psychologist set up an appointment. The test involved talking about this and that and answering a variety of questions.

Then… nothing.

The new school year started without a peep. No acceptance letter, no rejection letter – nothing. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and called the school this week. Turns out – the school never got the paperwork for one reason or another. So, after a flurry of phone calls and faxes and parent-teacher meetings – he’s in.

His 128 on the previous proxy test jumped to a 134 on the real thing. Enough to put him over the magical 130 threshold. Hooray.

We did our best to not put any pressure on his about the test. I think we did a pretty ok job of not adding any pressure, but he found plenty of it on his own. He was devastated when some other kids were called out for ALPHA and he wasn’t (presumably their paperwork found its way to the school on its own) during the first week of the new school year.

I’m glad the waiting and anticipating is over. He’s in and all is well. Now I can move on from not pressuring him about ALPHA to not pressuring him about earning the starting quarterback job on his flag football team…

It’s More Serious Than You Think

Cosmetic surgery may seem like something innocent, but you need to consider your child’s underlying motives. Is she being teased in school for having too large of a nose or too small of a chest? Perhaps your child isn’t one of the popular kids and feels plastic surgery will be a magic solution? Reasons like these are often clues of an underlying self-esteem issue. When that’s the case, it’s highly recommended to have these issue addressed with a psychiatrist before cosmetic surgery is contemplated.

As a parent, you also should be concerned about the message communicated by allowing them to get plastic surgery. The last thing you want is for them to think serious self esteem issues can be corrected simply by going  under the knife. This is why it’s so important first to have your child discuss these issues with a professional; only go forward with the procedure if they determine it to be an appropriate decision.

Is It Cosmetic or Reconstructive?

It’s important to distinguish between these two categories. Reconstructive plastic surgery would include things like rhinoplasty for fixing a deviated septum. Meanwhile, breast implants usually are done purely for cosmetic reasons. Then there are those gray areas like otoplasty (ear pinning), which fall somewhere in the middle.

If your teen is desiring surgery that is purely cosmetic in nature, then it’s usually a telltale sign of self-esteem issues. Often times, it’s counseling and not plastic surgery that is needed. Meanwhile, according to the consensus on one otoplasty forum, many parents feel that ear pinning is usually acceptable if the child’s ears protrude excessively. In fact, when a child is younger (usually under five or six years of age), then insurance often will pay for otoplasty to be performed.

Rhinoplasty is another gray area that is often hard to classify. Your child may ask for a nasal hump to removed; was it natural or the result of a broken nose? Whatever the case, it’s important to realize the nose is still growing throughout the teen years. This is why quite a few members on this rhinoplasty forum advise against the procedure, until adulthood is reached.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are a few cosmetic procedures, which both parents and professionals would agree are warranted. For example, many kids develop severe acne scars during the teen years. If this scarring doesn’t fade away on its own, most would agree it’s okay to consider acne scar remover treatments (i.e. lasers, peels, etc).

You become known for who you associate with.  I used to think this advice was not fair.  I had some friends who in hindsight I would not let my daughter even talk to, let alone hang out with.  Then I thought it was being judgmental.  Now, I know the lesson he was teaching.

He was saying not only am I known for who I hang out with, I am known for their actions, because people gravitate to the bad in a person.  When my friends are the ones getting in trouble, I automatically am lumped into that category.  I learned this when some of these friends got into trouble.  The principal would call me into the office to hear what my involvement was.  When something went wrong, I was a person in question mainly because of my crew.

This was not a fun feeling since many of the teachers knew my mom.  Now I was nowhere near perfect and did get involved in my share of mischief, but we got blamed for everything.  We even got questioned by detectives for something we didn’t do.  All because of who I hung out with.

As I got older and started diving into self-improvement, I gained a new insight into this chunk of knowledge.  I discovered the friends I choose have similar personalities as I do.  John Maxwell’s Law of Magnetism suggests you are attracted to like-minded people.  As I began striving to be better, I began hanging out with those who were where I wanted to be.

Back to Jon Gosselin.  His wanting to do another reality show with Lindsay Lohan’s dad who does not have the best reputation, speaks loudly to me.  We now have an insight to his personality with this act.

Do you know who your kids associate with?

There are many benefits to having kids get together with friends.  First of all, this helps kids build social skill that they will need throughout life.  Secondly, friends are fun, and life should be a fun experience.  Finally, well…friends are friends.  Period.

Now, to get together with friends, you have to make them.  The making of friends should start at age three or four.  Before that, children play next to each other, not with each other.  Once they begin playing together on a regular basis as preschoolers, kids are more likely to make regular friends. Keep in mind that who your child considers to be a “friend” will likely change very often until he or she gets older.  Eventually, as teen, kids will hang out several times a week with one or more of a group of friends.

Now, some kids have trouble making friends.  Some are just shy or quiet, while others have more serious problems.  Some kids are overly aggressive, bossy, and the likes, while some may have selective mutism (talks only to his or her family).  To help them, talk to other parents, and make plans with kids he or she likes.  Don’t push him or her, though, as he/she may be frightened.

Now, onto getting together with friends.  At my age, this can be very spur of the moment, but for younger kids, less so.  In the case of younger kids, the parents probably should coordinate, so it will go more smoothly.  After school is a good time to play, as are weekends (other plans permitting).  When kids get older (twelve), letting them plan is good, as they need to learn how to do so.  At this age, sleepovers will be common, as will be going to places like the movies, haunted houses, and more.  Expect some randomness, too, as a hangout may turn into a trip to the movies or a sleepover.

On a final note, don’t expect your child always to want to hang out with his or her family, because friends are important!

Your child is growing up, so let there be friends!